Reaping Dividends

It's an unexpected season, a time of mingled stillness and caution that caught us all off-guard. A one-month quarantine, with perhaps more to come, has forced so many of us to face a complete change in habits, hopes, and lifestyle.

I admit I've had difficulties adjusting as well. There are logistical, emotional, and financial challenges that we all encounter. There are fears, and there are concerns. There are beautiful moments of strength as well as ceaseless reasons for despair. There is anger, and there is hope. There is outcry, assurance, anxiety, and uncertainty left and right.

And through it all, I learn to appreciate several blessings that the Lord has allowed in our lives that I have come to treasure so much more during this quarantine season. These things didn't happen overnight. These things were built upon day by day, through the years. And it is by God's grace alone that we are reaping the benefits of years of prudence.

1. Relationships. I thank God that I live in a home where there is love, respect, and joy, even as I weep for those who do not have this. Years of learning to appreciate each other, of learning to embrace our respective roles in a God-ordained marriage, yield us the fruit of a marriage that is a source of happiness and peace. We hear of couples fighting, of family members who cannot stand to be around each other as the days of quarantine go by. We uplift these people in prayer, and we thank the Lord daily for a blissful marriage where we're actually glad to share so much time and space with each other.

2. Finances. We are not wealthy, in the grand scheme of things. We do not own big corporations or work as executives in high-powered companies. But the Lord has blessed us with enough financial comfort through the years to have saved up for a rainy day. There are many people who do not have this privilege, and we try our best to succor the needs of those whom we can assist, from employees to neighbors to friends. But we are thankful, so very thankful, that the Lord uses our choices in the past to sustain us through potential weeks of financial challenge. 

3. Technology. It sounds funny, almost trivial, but I do thank God every day that I have a husband who has always made sure we are technologically equipped in a changing world. From finding the best phone and Internet plans to investing in quality gadgets for the two of us, his chosen priorities have equipped us to be well-prepared for this time of remote, online living.

4. Home. I love being home, and that is a fact no matter how much I may miss the mall or the spa or the office or church. I thank God that He has used the prudence of the past and the generosity of family to give us a home that is secure, independent, well-situated, and comfortable. It does not feel like a chore to be quarantined at home because we are blessed with a safe and pleasant place to stay.

5. Faith. Above all, I thank God that He has allowed us to know Him in a personal, vibrant way that knows no walls or limitations. We are freed by the Word and not chained to rituals or sacraments for our salvation. We can worship in spirit and in truth no matter where we are. We serve a God who is omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent. And even as we close ourselves off from the rest of the world, we are privileged to keep loving and serving Him in the arena of our private lives.

It's not an ideal time for anyone, but I cannot help but praise the Lord for the ways He does continue to bless!

Chapter Three

"First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage."

Somehow, a juvenile child's rhyme has managed to encapsulate a lifetime of hopes, dreams, and perhaps tears for every generation. It sounds so easy - step one, step two, and step three. Voila! You got yourself a perfect life!

But God doesn't always let things happen that way. Sometimes, He stops us before a certain step, teaching us to reconcile our own visions with what He actually has in store. Sometimes, He lets a season of life linger far longer than we ever expected it to, and we are challenged again and again to thrive where He's placed us, to grow as He wants us to in that particular chapter of life.

After seven years of love and marriage, Tim and I stand at the threshold of a new possibility. Lord willing, we would love to meet the the little ones in my womb, to be given the opportunity to love them and raise them for the Lord.

At the same time, I know this isn't a finish line.

This isn't a man-made "success story" to celebrate or brag about. This isn't "proof" that if you just wait long enough, or want it desperately enough, the Lord will give you what you want.

It's not that. It's not that at all.

Because if the past decade of my life has taught me anything - it's that everything, truly everything, is by His grace alone. And it is entirely up to Him how He wants to write the story He wants us to live out.

It's by His grace that I have a loving husband who seeks to lead our marriage in the way of the Lord. It's by His grace that I have a marriage where we can share our deepest thoughts, hopes, and dreams with each other as we wait for the Lord's will. It's by His grace that we have a church family where we can grow and love and thrive. And it is by His grace alone that we are where we are, waiting to see if He will let us have the chance to raise these miracle babies.

And I know that there is still so, so much more to this story.

I've seen friends who change once they get to complete their nursery rhyme. Suddenly, once love, marriage, and baby carriage fall in line, it just doesn't seem as important to trust or to pray or to keep growing in the Lord anymore. All those things that were blessings in the first place seem to replace the need to seek after the Giver of all things.

I pray, so hard, that we won't be like that.

Because this isn't a finish line.

And, Lord willing, if He allows us to move on to the wonderful world of parenthood, I hope that we will pursue our relationship with Him all the more because of it. May we learn to serve Him, to love Him, and to adapt to everything He gives in Chapter Three, as much as we had to in the ones that came before.

Left Behind

It's happened so often, so many times, that I don't even blink an eye in surprise when it happens. If anything, I try to anticipate it - to brace myself for its inevitability.

But I still blink when it happens. I still need to take a moment or two to blink the tears away.

Because getting left behind feels bad enough once. But it's a whole different story when it's become almost like a routine.

In my heart of hearts, I know - just like those anticipating marriage, or a promotion, or graduation, or grandchildren, or hope for medical recovery - that God has a special purpose for every chapter of our lives. I myself have read and prayed and written thousands of thousands of words on the beauty of God's timing, of the importance of finding contentment in His will, and of seeking after Him with all our hearts no matter our circumstances.

But faithfully waiting for God's plan to reveal itself in our lives can sometimes be a very lonely journey.

I married young, at least within my cultural context. My now-husband proposed when I was still 23. We married when I was 24. In the unfair timeline mentality of the Filipino-Chinese community, I was somewhat "ahead" of my peers. It's as if I somehow managed to get to Level 3 in the Fil-Chi Game of Life, when everyone else my age was taking their time at Level 2.

Early marriage made me think and act differently from my peers. Suddenly, I had household and family concerns that they didn't have. They had career priorities that were different from mine. We were still close and still sisters in Christ, but our stations in life led us to have varying responsibilities and perspectives.

But then I got "stuck" - in a world where it feels that everyone else is moving ahead.

Looking back now, I woefully regret not having been more sensitive to the people around me when I was caught up in the whirlwind of young love. We had friends who had been dating people for years before their relationships fell apart. We had single friends who wanted to get married so badly - who had been waiting for three or four decades of their life without the Lord leading them to that next chapter. I talked about my engagement as if it were the most straightforward thing in the world - not realizing that I was in the minority for having been blessed to find my life partner at such a young age. I was a foolish 23-year-old, and I apologize to anyone who had been hurt by my insensitivity during that phase.

I've since learned what it's like to be on the receiving end.

I know what it's like to see people get married and be pregnant within one, two, or three months while our supposed nursery room morphs into a storage attic. I know what it's like to have friends post pregnancy announcement after announcement and flooding my social media feeds with innumerable daily pictures of their babies. I know what it's like to have a friend get married, talk to me about marriage, become a mother, and suddenly "outgrow" me because I am no longer capable of or comfortable with talking with her about motherhood.

I know what it's like to be left behind, even by people younger than I am.

What I needed to learn - was how to deal with it.

My more foolish and selfish tendencies want to resent those friends for moving on. I am tempted again and again (and sometimes fail to resist the temptation) to let envy poison my friendships with these sisters in Christ. Sometimes, I try to keep up - to be genuinely invested in their chatter about their newborns. But I am also ill-equipped to keep up. There's only so much that resonates with me when it comes to types of baby poop and breastfeeding wailing children in the middle of the night!

I love it when my friends tell me about their children. I love to witness them caring for their children and teaching their kids how to be good Christians. It can be hard for me to keep up, but it doesn't mean I hate any reference to children. I love kids. It's one of the reasons I love being a teacher.

But I have to learn to accept that it's inevitable that my friends and I may have different priorities at different times of life. Our friendships, if they are true, should be able to stretch to include all of our different life chapters and interests. And as I learn to be more open with my friends who may have "overtaken" me in the journey of life, I can also learn to be more sensitive to the people who may feel that I have "left them behind."

No one is ever truly left behind in life. There are times when God lets us walk His way with our peers on our side. There are other times when He lets us walk His way alone - at least, in an earthly sense. But when we seek His way faithfully, we can find comfort in knowing that no eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has conceived what the Lord has prepared for those who love Him. What He has planned is even better than what we think we want or need.

No matter where I am in life - no matter the chapter or the "level" or the station - I can minister to the people around me. I can still show concern to my friends who have moved on to other priorities. I can share insights and encouragement with people who share my current circumstances. I can strive to be more considerate of the people who may feel that they wish to have their life move forward in a way that it isn't.

Because God knows what He's doing - and He's placing each of us where we are for a reason He believes to be best. With Him, we're never left behind. In fact, we're always exactly where He wants us to be.

To Fail at Failing

I've made no secret of our struggles with infertility. We've wanted kids from day one, been proactively adjusting our lifestyles to make room for children. We've gone through phases of quiet waiting, waiting for the Lord to intervene naturally. We've also gone through phases when the Lord leads us to try doctors, medications, procedures, and tests that poke holes in us and cause mood swings and make the journey feel even longer.

Suffice it to say that so far, neither phases have actually brought us any children.

And you know what? Sometimes, that problem looms larger than it has to because we've just never been conditioned to face failure.

The statistics tell us what to expect. Seventy-five percent of Millenials will marry, and eighty-five percent of couples will conceive after one year of trying. The majority of Filipino marriages withstand divorce, and over half a million people in our country successfully finish college every year.

But we never expect to end up in the minority.

And to be honest? The minority isn't exactly fun.

Valentine's Day sucks when your singleness is shoved in your face. Mother's Day is the worst day of the entire year when you, still, somehow, remain childless. Seeing people celebrate their 20th, 30th, or 50th anniversary can come with a bitter sting for those in broken marriages.

Time and again, people tell me to go to certain doctors who are "so good and have made hundreds of people pregnant." What they don't know is that I've already gone to those doctors. I've been there, done that - and come home teary-eyed and empty-handed. People like me don't tell you success stories because we have don't have them.

And, also, because no one wants to hear failure stories.

No one celebrates the matchmaking session that ended with awkwardly ruined friendships. No one tells you stories of the times they've gone through intrusive procedures and ruthless rounds of medication just to chase that elusive next child. No one tells you what to do when your child's health is confirmed to have worsened rather than improved, despite your every effort to nurture him.

As Christians, when we give ourselves unequal expectations, then we're sometimes not ready to brave the disappointments that inevitably come with this life.

There are 25% of Millenials who will never get married. There are 15% of couples who will not conceive after one year of trying. There are 50% of Asian marriages that will end up in some form of estrangement or divorce. There are millions of people who face the daily reality of health struggles, widowhood, secondary infertility, or inability to finish school.

Only when the Lord is our Rock, our Strength, our Everything - can we be ready to weather those off-chances.

As Christians, we're not supposed to be poster children for earthly success. We're supposed to shine God's light and spread His salt by persevering despite earthly imperfections. Yes, the church can celebrate and give thanks for triumphs, but we can't neglect the realities of stumbles as well.

A truly strong Christian testimony should result in joy in all circumstances. A person dealing with his or her valley of the shadow of death should be able to walk up to other people in church and find true Christian encouragement rather than pity or disdain. We as Christians shouldn't be praying for a smooth-sailing life. We pray for a life of walking with God.

Having that walk is what strengthens us for real life. Having that walk is what guarantees a "successful" life - defined the right way.

Hannah's Prayer

God has been inconceivably good to me throughout my life, blessing me with love, gifts, talents, and opportunities undeserved. I wholeheartedly acknowledge how wonderfully He has treated me. And yet, as a sinful human being, I have had my share of bitterness and discontentment.

And of all the areas that I might experience discontentment, one stands out...love.

When can I have a boyfriend? Why can't I have a relationship? What hinders me from having a relationship at all? I have repeatedly asked my parents over the years, behind closed doors and oftentimes in tears.

They might have reasons, but they have never sounded reasonable to me. I have grown up all my life a helpless romantic. I have always longed for the time to give myself wholeheartedly to the man I love, to share with him my heart and my life. Yes, I've had my other dreams in terms of ministry and friends and career...but at the end of the day, I've always just wanted to be a committed wife and mother. Why would my parents allow me to pursue everything else, except the one thing I have always longed for?

When my parents tell me why I am not consistent and mature enough to make a serious commitment yet, they actually make sense. They just don't make sense to my childish and selfish heart. And, of course, there is always the comparison factor: Why can't I have a relationship now? I am more ready than so and so, than he or she.

That is the question that always haunts me the most. Why can't I if he or she can? I know that, with the way I am now, I would make a much better partner than many people who are dating (or getting married, for that matter) actually make. Why hold me to such a high standard?

The bitterness almost killed me. It gnawed away at my heart...until God spoke to me through Hannah.

At the beginning of the book of Samuel, Hannah mourned her own barrenness. Her husband's other wife, Peninnah, had many children. Yet Hannah, the godly woman in the family, had no children of her own. She was pestered by Peninnah, and she was looked down upon by her society. In many ways, she was persecuted. Yet still, God refused to give to her a child.

Why?

"Hannah would have made a much better mother than Peninnah ever would have," our pastor preached on Mother's Day, "But God chose to let Hannah turn to Him and pray to Him and wait upon Him...because He had something better, because He was refining her."

Then God give her Samuel, as well as many other children to follow.

The message spoke to my heart. It does not matter how good of a girlfriend or fiance or wife or mother I could be. I am not given those roles at the moment. It does not matter if I am this much more mature or considerate than any other person is, for God does not grant blessings based upon any human merit.

So now, do I still find it hard to trust that God will give me what is better for me than anything others around me have? Oh yes I do.

Do I still foolishly and stubbornly fear that by obeying Him I would miss out on the love of my life? You bet!

But when those thoughts pervade my mind and drive me to complain against God...I think of Hannah, and I think of how much agony she went through before God gave her a son who would be the greatest judge of Jewish history, a boy who became the first of the Old Testament prophets.

God does not give anything based upon how much a person appears to deserve it. Every good and perfect gift is from above...and gifts are things that are not earned. I cannot earn or demand or complain. I can only pray to Him, seek Him, love Him...and commit my life into His hands.

Making the Given Fit for the Gift

Yesterday, my US student visa was approved. Lord willing, I will be studying in Pensacola Christian College (PCC) starting this September.

Many people know that I had applied to universities in Hong Kong and Singapore before, all in vain. Many know I’ve been preparing to go to the States for a while already. Yet there’s a story behind my journey to PCC, an invisible story written inside of me.

PCC is known for accepting and training homeschool graduates well, and I had long wished to study there ever since the fliers and catalogs began to arrive many years ago. Yet back then, my dad could not fund a North American education, and nor would he leave his only daughter alone in Florida.

Therefore, when the time came for me to start college applications, my parents disregarded PCC and applied me in Asia. I obeyed. After all, those were good universities they chose. Yet inside of me there was a twang...there was an idea tugging at my brain of how much more I'd experience freedom and independence if I were on the other side of the planet, away from parental supervision. I liked Asia, but it wasn't far away enough for me. I wanted independence, or so I said.

It’s true that I love independence; it's in my personality, upbringing, and pride. Yet as with all things, sinful nature attacks. That love for independence often turns to longing for self-sufficiency and autonomy. During that period of time back then, it turned even to rebellion.

I wanted to be away and "free." I wanted to exercise control over my life, free from submission to my parents’ god-given authority. I held secret hopes that studying abroad would be my chance to break free from expectations, all without rebelling outright.

In my heart, I harbored hidden fantasies. I dreamed of being so distinguished in my field that people would beg me to work for them after graduation, against my parents’ wish for me to return. I imagined meeting someone who would win my heart, convince my parents, and marry me away from my life here. Sometimes, to sound more spiritual, I would envision a call to a far, unreached land...and my parents would certainly be unable to argue against the calling of God Himself.

There have been even sillier fantasies than these, yet all with one similarity: I was thankful for the life God had given me, but discontent with containing myself within that life. I wanted to break free. I wanted to study abroad for wrong and selfish reasons.

After my denial from the Asian colleges last year, my dad told me to apply to PCC. It seems stupid that I should apply to this school only now, when I had known it for years. It seemed crazy that the Asian universities wouldn't give me a final word of rejection until it was already late August, way too late to apply for PCC's 2007 schoolyear. Yet God has His plans. Dad has oft repeated that this is apparently the way God has led him, and led me.

And as I look at myself now, I realize why God would not have me leave any earlier…

I have changed. Somehow, through direct teachings, prayers, and so countless occurrences in the past year, God has changed me.

When the lady at the embassy asked me if I intend to return home after studies, I answered yes wholeheartedly. It's not because of sentimental ties or legalistic requirements. It's because of the change inside of me.

I want to study abroad to learn, to grow...for His glory. I want to concentrate on studying, not on having fun with my independence. Growth and independence are no longer goals in themselves, but parts of a process of preparing myself to serve Him better. And at the end of the day, Lord willing, I will return to my Asian roots...for the harvestfield of souls is most abundant here. My heart has been severely humbled.

I cannot conclude God’s purposes in the past and coming years. I just know that at every moment, He has His perfect timing.

I've long wanted to study in PCC, and God has granted me the gift I had asked for. Yet He had withheld it firmly from me, until I was ready for it. It is the same gift, this gift He has prepared...but I, the one to whom the gift is given, had to be made ready for it first.

I am thankful that God had not let things transpired earlier than this. If I had, I would have left Manila with a proud, rebellious heart and a discontent attitude. I was not ready for the gift, and God knew that. And even today, I am discovering with fear and amazement how much He knew that I did not.

I am not perfect, but I guess I am ready for this particular gift now. And as I look ahead in life to all the things I still want--in ministry, family, life, love, and achievement...I try to remember this lesson.

Some of those gifts might not be for me, and God will surely withhold them;
Some of those gifts might be perfect for me, but I am still unready, perhaps severely unready.

A gift cannot be a perfect gift unless the given is fit to receive it. There's nothing wrong with the gift, and definitely not the Giver, but there might be something wrong with the given. God still has an incredible amount of work to do on me before these things come.

Making the given fit for the gift...God has taught me with more than a few big things in my life. I pray hard that I remember, lest the pain has to come again, and perhaps with wider and direr consequences. And may He continue to mold me still...for the perfect tasks, and the perfect gifts, in His sovereign plan.

On Worth and Waiting

At long last, I am a studying college student. True, distance education isn't the norm around me, but the difference of that fact doesn't make things lighter for me.

In an effort to maximize all the time I have at hand in the face of an uncertain future, my parents and I have determined to squeeze the requirements into a much shorter time. In other words, even as I try to maintain my church commitments, social interactions, and basic family responsibilities, I have to "double up" on all my college assignments. It can get draining.

In the vocabulary of college students everywhere, I could be having "hell week" every week. Yet strangely, at the same time, there is something heavenly about these hell weeks. There is a gratefulness, an excitement, an enthusiasm about my studies that I seldom had before. It's strange, yet it's true, and I know the reason behind it.

For the past two months or so, I have been frustratedly idle. I did not have any studies or work to keep me busy, and I was impatient for my college books to arrive. There were days when I would sulk silently; there were days when I would complain ceaselessly. I wanted my books to arrive as soon as possible, and I bugged everyone--the school, my family, my friends--about my frustration over boredom and idleness.

During that time, I was tempted to anticipate my college assignments as heaven, as if anything on earth could be that. My mind would rant, "If only they would come soon, all would be well." Looking back, I feel that if they really had come sooner, if these assignments had directly followed my high school requirements, I would probably have broken down in overwork and tears.

That period of rest made me energized for this new challenge of life, and even more, that time of inactivity restored to me the joy of industriousness. All these requirements that I am trying to rush...they bring me mental labor, but they bring me joy and gratefulness. Because of that time of waiting, I learned to treasure their worth.

I did not wait because I felt this thing was worth it. Instead, this thing increases in worth because I had to wait for it. It's not that there's waiting because of worth; there's worth because of waiting.

God is the wisest indeed. Perhaps when I keep these pointers in mind, waiting to drive, waiting to travel alone, waiting to work, waiting to love, waiting to teach, waiting to lead, and all those other "waits" won't seem as daunting. If worth comes from waiting, then perhaps at times I'd rather wait more than less.

Wait on the Lord

What is so difficult to understand about those four words? They are simple to say, and I have said them to others before. Yet when my turn comes around to learn this lesson, the challenge proves to be far greater than I had expected.

Ten years ago, life was the same everyday. In fact, I would find myself actually wishing that life be the same everyday. I was just enjoying my childhood. I didn’t want things any other way.

When the teenage years arrived, I began to look ahead. I wanted more thrill, more excitement, more heartbeats. Life became more dynamic. Yet still, it was predictable. Grade 8 comes after Grade 7. Age 14 follows 13. Next Sunday, next month, next year would follow their counterparts with everything remaining more or less the same.

Then all of a sudden, the future is more uncertainty than stability. Within the last two years, my house changed, my lifestyle changed, my interests broadened, my acquaintances grew in number, my ministries matured…and my whole life is caught in a whirlwind of unpredictability.

At the moment, I do not even know where I will be and what I will be doing six months from now. With changes impacting both childhood and new friendships, I do not know who will be by my side to witness the experiences I will have in the next few years.

Will I continue to build upon and try to excel in what I’ve been doing all my life? Or will I be exploring uncharted grounds all alone? Will I have time to process a student visa? Will I apply for correspondence college instead of university? Will I lose friends? Will I gain friends?

There are so many uncertainties. I’m confused…scared too, at times…

My mother shared something to me this morning, a phrase from her devotional reading. “The Lord is never too late, but He is never too early.” He will wait until I have learned total reliance upon Him before revealing His will. He will not allow me to even think I planned things on my own. It is His plan.

This afternoon, someone texted me a simple forward. “Wait on the Lord. There are times when GOD asks nothing of His children except silence, patience, and tears. You’re never late when you wait on the Lord.” I guess God really is trying to tell me something.

Wait on Him, Wenslyn, wait on the Lord.

It won’t be easy, but I get the picture. Lord, help me wait upon You.