For the entirety of my pregnancy and the early days of motherhood, I only ever had one plan on how to feed our twins. No matter how hard, I was determined to blissfully tandem-feed the precious babies until they are chubby, adorable two-year-olds.
I didn’t buy a single bottle, I never canvassed pumps, and I didn’t give formula brands a single glance.
It was an overwhelming and humbling experience when things came crashing down. While one twin had a strong and healthy latch, the other twin struggled to stay attached. Breastmilk jaundice rendered our babies scrawny, yellow, and weak. No amount of supplements could make my body produce more capacity for milk on short notice. Injuries, hormones, and pain abounded in dozens of different ways.
Still, I persisted. I had been so convinced that breastmilk was superior that I considered any other feeding method, be it donor milk or formula, outright wrong. The well-meant but misplaced encouragement of all nurses, friends, and lactation consultants spurred me further down the rabbit hole.
It took a strong and kind husband to remind me that the kids need a healthy, happy mother more than they need 100% breastmilk. Just because we didn’t give them mother’s milk didn’t mean we were feeding them poison.
I learned as quickly as I could: from pumping gear to breastfeed-friendly bottles, to all the ins and outs of mix feeding. It hasn’t been easy, but it’s been rewarding to see the children grow.
I didn’t choose this. I don’t think anyone would choose middle-of-the-night pumping sessions, a constant battle with excruciating clogged milk ducts, or the mounting expenses of mix feeding twins. I don’t even know how long this lifestyle is sustainable. But I have come to learn that there is no shame, only honor, in submitting to my husband and to the Lord.
Just because He’s given us the wonderful gift of children doesn’t mean we get free rein on how we want our lives and their lives to look like. The shape of motherhood, just like the shape of everything else in life, is formed through good stewardship of whatever the Lord has given.
The idea that raising and rearing children is only a matter of determination is a false expectation at best. As with everything, it is a journey of grace, of submission, and of faith.
I don’t know what shape or form the Lord will make for the years ahead. I can only wait to discover His plans one step at a time.
