Do Hard Things

There are times in life when epiphany strike. There are also times in life when the lack of epiphanies results in an epiphany itself—the realization that “I am doing nothing.”

"What am I doing with my life?” I say this question often, more often in jest than I should. This question pervades my mind every time I see a person younger than I dominate world news. I ask this question of myself every time I find myself in extreme boredom.

Today, however, the Lord impresses upon my heart that the same motto I took upon myself when I was 16 should be the same motto I follow at 26: Do hard things.

Doing hard things means exceeding the expectations. Doing hard things means choosing what is good, right, and important over what is selfish and trivial. Doing hard things means walking where I should go rather than talking all about it. Doing hard things means pushing myself out of my comfort zone.

As a teenager, doing hard things included studying hard, serving in church, helping with household chores, and refusing to indulge in temporal, inconsequential pursuits. As an adult today, doing hard things results in managing all time and financial resources wisely, pushing myself to be the best teacher I can be, being a supportive wife, and being willing to always be learning.

There, I’ve said it—always be learning.

For some reason, the learning involved in teenage years, something so assumed and taken for granted, requires a much more deliberate effort in adulthood. Learning requires humility. Learning requires time. Learning requires the risk of making mistakes.

I’ll be honest, I don’t like mistakes. I avoid new endeavors at all costs because I hate making mistakes, especially when others can see those mistakes. Every time I try cooking a new recipe, I pray extensively for God’s grace lest the food come out disastrous. My cowardice is pathetic, I know; but it’s a real and constant struggle for me.

As a teacher, I often tell my students that making mistakes is part of life. A mistake on a quiz could lead to a corrected answer on a test. A mistake on a test could help one’s memory be corrected in time for final exams. But how well am I applying the same principle in my own life?

Learning should be a constant in the Christian life. A pursuit of God and His kingdom can never end this side of heaven. Whether it comes in the form of sharpening a spiritual discipline, helping in a new ministry, reaching out to people in a new way, contributing to society with a new skill, or as simple as mastering a new recipe—constant learning is inseparable from a serious Christian walk.

And so I pray.

I pray that the Lord will remove my fear of embarrassment and enable me to try new things for His glory. I pray that the Lord will lift my eyes above the trifling frustrations in my life to see the bigger picture of His kingdom. I pray that the Lord will give me a commitment to excellence in every area of life He’s placed me.

I need to be a wife, sister, friend, teacher, daughter, and daughter-in-law who constantly seeks to do hard things. It won’t always be easy, and I might not always succeed—but it will always be what I have to do.

To Be Forgotten

"被人遺忘是一件既自然又必然的事"

"To be forgotten is a thing most natural and certain."

The above words were said by Lynda Ye, the acclaimed lyricist of Taiwan's singing group Heavenly Melody. I heard her say it during an interview, and I have pondered upon the words ever since.

To be forgotten by people is firstly natural...people do not need to intentionally forget you. They just do. It is nothing offensive, because it is natural. And it is not surprising, because it is natural. As life moves on, people will find their own places and lifestyles...and some things or individuals simply will be forgotten...naturally...

Then to be forgotten is also certain...there is no escaping it. Some people might try hard to force the memory of themselves upon others. Some others might mourn the loss of attention. Yet it is all very matter-of-fact. It is only a matter of time...for to be forgotten is certain...

And as I stand at the threshhold of separation from all I have dearly loved in my life...as well as the people who love me most, these thoughts impact me heavily.

In the weeks leading up to my departure from the Philippines almost one week ago (for the sake of academic pursuit here in the States), people have showered me with much love. I was too touched for words as I discovered how God has blessed me with love way beyond I could ever deserve. From church deacons, to distant relatives, to childhood bosom friends, to faithful ministry partners, and everything in between...I have been blessed with love...and I reciprocate the affections as much as I could.

Yet in the midst of the pleas that I should return to the Philippines, and that I shouldn't forget the people back home...Miss Ye's words echo in my mind..."To be forgotten is a thing most natural and certain."

I should not count upon it...as much as I would like to think that my students would still adore me, that my best friends would still be intimate with me, that those who care for me would still be consistent in their affections when I return...I know it won't be the same.

As life goes on for everyone...to a particular degree...I will surely be forgotten...

So then, if that is the fact...what of it? How should I face this tragedy of natural and certain consequence? What should I do about being forgotten?

In her interview, Miss Ye made the quoted statement in reference to her departure from on-stage performance. Once she turned to serving backstage, she had to learn to be forgotten. Yet for her, she could still find joy in the midst of the process, because she knew she was serving God. And God knew all that was going on in her service and life...and even if people forget, God would be leased.

Her attitude gave me the courage to face this idea of losing the love formerly bestowed upon me.

It is the Lord Christ whom I serve. Even if people forget...I have not lost my direction in life.

Yes, students might grow independent of me, friends might continue life with their own pursuits, ministry roles might be filled with new people, admirers might easily change their fancies, and my family and church will continue to thrive in life without me...

It is all both humbling and comforting to know. Yes, life will move on without me, and I will eventually lose the significance that I had. Yet when it is Christ whom I am serving, then I don't need to worry.

I can still pray for people across the miles; God can answer.

I can still faithfully seek my Lord; He will listen.

I can still trust in His perfect plans for me...even when others have forgotten.

To be forgotten might seen a horrible thought at first...yet well...it is natural and certain. And when we have our hopes upon Him who is even more certain, then life will go on for everyone in His perfect time, in His perfect ways. All I need to do is to remember what really matters.

What matters is my spiritual walk with my Lord. What matters is that I continue to grow in contentment within, in knowledge of, and in obedience to my God.

Yes, I will be forgotten...yet what of it? Perhaps, as someone with so much self-awareness, to be forgotten is actually a very, very good thing.

Life will go on, and I must find my place in it. Yet no matter what particulars that "place" might involve...I already have my most fundamental identity and duty as a child of God. That is what matters, and well...that's all that needs to be remembered. Everything else...might as well be forgotten...

Subdued

After wave after wave of events...after denials and tears and confusions...after confessions and discussions with my ever-so-loving and ever-so-firm parents...again and again and again...

After discovering flaws in me, terrifyingly one after another...after God hurled me question after question after question...questions I can never answer out of my human imperfection...

I am subdued.

I am struck, I am silenced. I am subdued.

There is a weight within me, a weight from God. There is a will bearing on me, the will of God.

His wisdom is terrifying, His love overwhelming. The former drives me to tears of submission; the latter throws me into shudders of incomprehension.

The pride, the rebellion, and all the rest of the ugliness seem to never cease surfacing, in different forms and different times, one after another. It makes me close my eyes, hold my tongue, and tremble. It makes me homesick for heaven.

Some matters appear to be big, and I turn to God for comfort. I cuddle in His embrace, too needy to even look up. Yet as I bury my face in His arms, I feel His heartbeat...then I realize, that I could never look up even if I wanted to, for the righteousness of His countenance would crush me.

Yet the problems my eyes perceive are only signs to lead me to His arms. Once there, His face shows me so much more...so, so much more about the perverseness of my soul...so much more that I need to sort through with Him. So many faults and problems that I have neglected and denied for more than two years already...so many excuses and rationalizations that led me to rebel against Him repeatedly, only in different forms and degrees of severity...

His heart is calling mine. I have to obey.

And as I take some time to quiet down my soul and seek God's teachings and timings...I need to take a break from many things, including this blog.

This blog has been an amazing ministry for me. I am a fallen human being who hasn’t written every single article with the purest intentions, though I meant the best in most. Yet even so, God has used these entries to touch different lives of different ages, sometimes even around the world. He has used the broken vessel that I am to impart lessons I myself have yet to fully learn. He sometimes even teaches me with my own writing. For all of that, may He be glorified.

Yet at this point, God has made it clear to me that I should stop. I, who had prided herself in being one of the blog pioneers of her circle…who had shared and loved the wonderful blog ministry of fellow rebelutionaries and friends…I, who was and still is in love with writing…has to stop.

Perhaps one day, by the mercy of God, I would pick up this task again, and continue ministering in this medium that has helped me reach people unlike any other medium ever did. It might be weeks, it might be months, it might be years. If that day comes, I will resume. It will not be because I have finally reached perfection, or that I finally have something exciting to write about again. No. It will be because God allows it.

If God does not allow it...then this site will remain intact as the one-year project that it's been...a year's worth of testimonies of His imprints in my life.

I will continue to update my other blog, for God has not asked me to cease that one. Yet this one--this one so close to my heart--has to stop. This vessel needs some time off to be molded by the Potter's masterful hands. The story of God's work isn't over in me, but this part of it shall be.

To all my dear readers, I thank you for your love and support these past months. You have encouraged me greatly. Yet may all the glory truly be to God...and if you could, I ask two things of you. Firstly, that you pray for me to be conformed even more to His will. Then secondly, that you take your own steps to echo His love in this world, be it in the form of family, friendship, blog, book, or anything God leads you to. Continue in your mission.

When one of my mentors talked with me the other day, she reminded me of that one line from a beloved hymn..."May Thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wand'ring heart to Thee."

Indeed, that is the cry of my heart. Fetter me, Lord, bind me. Let me not wander, lest more mistakes deeply hurt those who are closest to me, and grieve Your heart. Your goodness sweeps over me, and I lie subdued in Your hands...

Subdued by Your wisdom, subdued by Your grace, subdued by Your firmness...

Subdued by the thundering echoes of Your love.

I love You.

"Princess Wenslyn"--Part II

In my former entry, I briefly mentioned many facets of life as an "heiress" of Filipino-Chinese ministry. Yet there is one facet that often encompasses the rest.

I know I am blessed, and I often use this blog to remind myself of that fact. I am privileged to receive the training, the love, the direction, and the provision that came with my position. However, there is one problem. The problem with being treated like "Princess Wenslyn," is that I often fool myself into believing that I really am royalty.

Of the several hundreds people I know, 95 percent do not have consistent contact with me outside of churches or religious organizations. Therefore, these are people who see my angelic side, and that side only. How hard is it to be kind at church? It is relatively easy, and people are usually amicable at church.

What I hear 95 percent of the time, therefore, are praises.

It really gets to the head.

It is usually unnoticeable to the common observer, but even in ministry, there is popularity. When I search my motives for ministry, I often have to confront the ugly polutant of church popularity in my heart. I want to be people's favorite translator, pianist, assistant, BS leader, and the like. It makes me glad to hear people calling my name, asking for my attention.

It really gets to the mind.

Then interpersonally, it gets uglier. When a person thinks of herself as a princess, how would she treat her friends? I know my true self is a pain to be with, and only a few, if any, know those true colors. A princess thinks she deserves admiration from her peers, a princess thinks she is to be ranked as "better" than others her age, a princess believes her charm would enchant any guy, a princess believes she deserves more praises, more attention, more gifts, more friends, more admirers, more esteem than others....as if she had earned any of that at all. A princess believes she is more important than everyone else.

It really gets to the heart. Or no, it really is from the heart.

Recently, God has been showing me the imperfections of Christian leaders, be they my seniors or my peers. That includes, of course, myself. And as I survey the different cases, I find the one common pitfall--pride.

In my case, pride is what fools me into believing I am better than others. Perhaps I may be blessed uniquely. Perhaps I do have certain skills or knowledge that are unusual for my age. Yet those do not make me deserve anything more. In the kingdom of God, a princess is a servant, and His kingdom comes first.

It is a hard truth to chew, and even harder to apply. Yet I know most of my struggles can be lessened in intensity, if I were only willing to listen to God in this one.

I am and I am not "Princess Wenslyn." I am a princess in that I have a portion in my Father's kingdom, but I am not a princess in everything else. I must not dwell upon the praises, I must not "serve" in order to win people's favor, and I must never contend that I deserve more esteem or more care than others do. Then most of all, I must let those principles reign in my heart, beyond pretentious rules of etiquette.

If only I would listen to this lesson, life would be easier. Father, let me learn.

I Tried to Be Supergirl

And since I'm human, I failed.

I've mentioned before that I've been trying to squeeze my current correspondence course requirements into a shorter timeframe. That's what I set out to do the moment my books arrived two weeks ago, and, well, that's somewhat why I failed...

When my "schoolyear" officially began, I set out as ambitious with my personal goals as ancient China was with the Great Wall. I wanted to do a nearly triple-dose of the suggested study pace, I wanted to maintain all my ministerial duties, I wanted to keep my cyber-life almost as active as before, and I wanted to do a thousand other things. Many people died building the Great Wall, and many parts of me died these two weeks. I lost all quality time with my family, I was always rushed even when expressing concern, I couldn't read, I couldn't help around, and I had no time to rest.

I tried to be supergirl, and since supergirl doesn't exist, I failed.

The first reminder was my health. Having no time to eat, sleep, or exercise well, I lost weight "without reason." My eyes and back became unduly strained by long hours at the computer.

Reminder number two was my mom. She was nagging me since day one that I was over-shooting my goals, but I dismissed her advice as mothers-have-to-nag syndrome. "I'll prove I'm okay," I thought. Well, I was okay for a week, during which I used up all my reserve energy. After that, I faltered, often leaving work undone or just nodding off everywhere around the house.

Yet still I was insistent. Surely I could achieve what God would have me do, right? His strength shall be sufficient for His work, right?

Then strike three was Elizabeth Elliot in her book Discipline: "There is always enough time to do the will of God...when we find ourselves frantic and frustrated, harried and harassed and hassled, it is a sign that we are running on our own schedule, not God's."

Ouch, now that hurt. Yet at the same time, it relieved me, because it showed me the problem.

While I am too happy with studying to be frustrated, I really have been "harried and harassed and hassled." I had been running on my own schedule, not God's. When I think about it, God never required me to cling obstinately to all my activities while studying overtime. God never told me I had to finish 33 lectures, four books, and two major papers by the end of the year, even while handling camp, Christmas, and other matters.

Well, if it hadn't been from God, then from whom?

Me, it had all come from me and my stupid pride. I was the one who wanted to be a non-resting, over-achieving supergirl. I was the one who wanted to outpace even my parents' expectations and awe everyone with the amount of responsibilities I could handle. While it's true that God wants me to maximize my time and perhaps give up an addiction or two, He never told me to cram like crazy, never rest, and neglect everyone around me.

God never wanted me to be supergirl; He only wants me to be His little girl, a sinner child adopted by His grace.

I tried to be supergirl, because I thought it would be cool. I tried to be supergirl, and thank God I failed. After all, that's never what I was meant to be.

Sick for His Service

Exactly one week before Palm Sunday, just when the busiest month of 2007 was in sight, I became sick. Just when I had translating, songleading, choir renditions, Bible studies, and praise and worships all lining up in my itinerary, my body refused to get along with me and obstinately broke down.

Then, even in my frailty, I was self-glorifying. Surely I was working too hard for the Lord. Surely God would be pleased to see how His young servant was pouring out her health and life for Him. I felt so sacrificial.

Upon realizing the faultiness of such thinking, I changed my mind path. This time around, I turned to "faith." Since I was so important to the work of God's kingdom in the coming two weeks, He would surely heal me....right? On second thought, maybe not.

I must not be focused upon myself; I must have my heart with God. Switching to my third line of thought in my two-and-a-half days of illness, I willed myself to recover. I refused to allow myself to wallow in my physical misery. I was determined to regain my health in order to serve God. Wow, now I was so right...right?

I went to sleep on Monday night, certain that I would be totally well by Tuesday. After all, God must be moved by my heart to serve Him immediately upon recovery. I woke up on Tuesday sicker than ever. I guess I was wrong.

After many more hours of alternating pain and medication, I realized one thing. Perhaps this illness was not a trial, as I had all the while considered it to be. Perhaps this time of weakness was, more than anything else, a reminder from the Lord.

True, I am I capable and skilled worker. Yes, I am an experienced church volunteer with a will to serve. However, I am nothing by my own strength, and I am in no way indispensable. If God wants me sick, then I could never will myself to health. If God does not empower me, I am helpless. If God does not choose to use me, then He will use others, whether I like it or not.

By God's grace, I am nearly fully well now, quite in time for all the camps, meetings, and rehearsals. In spite of my foolishness, God seems to still be willing to use me. Praise the Lord. As I try to serve Him by His power in the coming days, may He bless me with not only the strength to complete my tasks, but with a heart of humility, reliance, and thanksgiving.