Pressing Play

For one-and-a-half years, my husband and I have lived on survival mode as we tried our best to care for twin babies in the most personal, hands-on way we could. Days and nights roll into a blur of dirty diapers, endless milk bottles, crying, cuddling, giggles, and tears. We eat what we can, and we sleep when we can. Things we used to take for granted, from traveling to shopping to drinking coffee before it turns cold, feel like luxuries to be savored like special occasions. With a global pandemic confining us mostly to the house, every day becomes even more of the same thing over and over again. It’s a blessing to have the children, and we love them with all our hearts. At the same time, we can go a little stir crazy from the sameness of it all.

But time is fickle. What feels endless one moment can become over in the blink of an eye. And suddenly, we have two toddlers in the house running and laughing and being frenemies in every sense of the word. Suddenly, the babies no longer feel like babies but rather two miniature human beings with their own personalities, preferences, and talents.
And I can suddenly start to resume some other things again.

I can cook minimally. I can read more. I can sleep more than 2 hours at a time.

I can write again, I can work more, and I can take a shower uninterrupted. I can eat the food I want or use the beauty products I want without worrying if they will affect fertility, pregnancy, or breastfeeding.

It feels oddly like another coming-of-age chapter. And just like young adulthood, it’s putting my values to the test.

With the slight increase in flexibility comes a corresponding increase in choices. Where do I spend my time? What things do I prioritize?

It’s hard to admit, but I’ve found myself being selfish more often than not.

It’s just easier to want to use my newfound pockets of time to indulge in shopping or pampering or other shallow things of the world. It’s easy to get carried away with chatting with my friends or getting caught up in the latest show or book. Even in a pandemic world, I know there are better ways to spend my time.

There are so many ways to minister: from praying for others to reaching out online to exerting more effort to make a better home for my family. There are so many ways to grow: from learning new skills to dedicating myself to more spiritual pursuits.

Standing on the threshold of another new year, I pray that God will help me to make the right choices every day. I pray that He will grant me the strength to work when I should and the faith to rest when I can. I pray that my heart will not be turned to the things of the world but to what truly pleases Him.

And as the children continue to grow by His grace, may they grow up in a home where their increasing independence is not a ticket to my selfishness, but rather an opportunity for all of us to continue to learn, to improve, and to serve.