Reaping Dividends

It's an unexpected season, a time of mingled stillness and caution that caught us all off-guard. A one-month quarantine, with perhaps more to come, has forced so many of us to face a complete change in habits, hopes, and lifestyle.

I admit I've had difficulties adjusting as well. There are logistical, emotional, and financial challenges that we all encounter. There are fears, and there are concerns. There are beautiful moments of strength as well as ceaseless reasons for despair. There is anger, and there is hope. There is outcry, assurance, anxiety, and uncertainty left and right.

And through it all, I learn to appreciate several blessings that the Lord has allowed in our lives that I have come to treasure so much more during this quarantine season. These things didn't happen overnight. These things were built upon day by day, through the years. And it is by God's grace alone that we are reaping the benefits of years of prudence.

1. Relationships. I thank God that I live in a home where there is love, respect, and joy, even as I weep for those who do not have this. Years of learning to appreciate each other, of learning to embrace our respective roles in a God-ordained marriage, yield us the fruit of a marriage that is a source of happiness and peace. We hear of couples fighting, of family members who cannot stand to be around each other as the days of quarantine go by. We uplift these people in prayer, and we thank the Lord daily for a blissful marriage where we're actually glad to share so much time and space with each other.

2. Finances. We are not wealthy, in the grand scheme of things. We do not own big corporations or work as executives in high-powered companies. But the Lord has blessed us with enough financial comfort through the years to have saved up for a rainy day. There are many people who do not have this privilege, and we try our best to succor the needs of those whom we can assist, from employees to neighbors to friends. But we are thankful, so very thankful, that the Lord uses our choices in the past to sustain us through potential weeks of financial challenge. 

3. Technology. It sounds funny, almost trivial, but I do thank God every day that I have a husband who has always made sure we are technologically equipped in a changing world. From finding the best phone and Internet plans to investing in quality gadgets for the two of us, his chosen priorities have equipped us to be well-prepared for this time of remote, online living.

4. Home. I love being home, and that is a fact no matter how much I may miss the mall or the spa or the office or church. I thank God that He has used the prudence of the past and the generosity of family to give us a home that is secure, independent, well-situated, and comfortable. It does not feel like a chore to be quarantined at home because we are blessed with a safe and pleasant place to stay.

5. Faith. Above all, I thank God that He has allowed us to know Him in a personal, vibrant way that knows no walls or limitations. We are freed by the Word and not chained to rituals or sacraments for our salvation. We can worship in spirit and in truth no matter where we are. We serve a God who is omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent. And even as we close ourselves off from the rest of the world, we are privileged to keep loving and serving Him in the arena of our private lives.

It's not an ideal time for anyone, but I cannot help but praise the Lord for the ways He does continue to bless!

Chapter Three

"First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage."

Somehow, a juvenile child's rhyme has managed to encapsulate a lifetime of hopes, dreams, and perhaps tears for every generation. It sounds so easy - step one, step two, and step three. Voila! You got yourself a perfect life!

But God doesn't always let things happen that way. Sometimes, He stops us before a certain step, teaching us to reconcile our own visions with what He actually has in store. Sometimes, He lets a season of life linger far longer than we ever expected it to, and we are challenged again and again to thrive where He's placed us, to grow as He wants us to in that particular chapter of life.

After seven years of love and marriage, Tim and I stand at the threshold of a new possibility. Lord willing, we would love to meet the the little ones in my womb, to be given the opportunity to love them and raise them for the Lord.

At the same time, I know this isn't a finish line.

This isn't a man-made "success story" to celebrate or brag about. This isn't "proof" that if you just wait long enough, or want it desperately enough, the Lord will give you what you want.

It's not that. It's not that at all.

Because if the past decade of my life has taught me anything - it's that everything, truly everything, is by His grace alone. And it is entirely up to Him how He wants to write the story He wants us to live out.

It's by His grace that I have a loving husband who seeks to lead our marriage in the way of the Lord. It's by His grace that I have a marriage where we can share our deepest thoughts, hopes, and dreams with each other as we wait for the Lord's will. It's by His grace that we have a church family where we can grow and love and thrive. And it is by His grace alone that we are where we are, waiting to see if He will let us have the chance to raise these miracle babies.

And I know that there is still so, so much more to this story.

I've seen friends who change once they get to complete their nursery rhyme. Suddenly, once love, marriage, and baby carriage fall in line, it just doesn't seem as important to trust or to pray or to keep growing in the Lord anymore. All those things that were blessings in the first place seem to replace the need to seek after the Giver of all things.

I pray, so hard, that we won't be like that.

Because this isn't a finish line.

And, Lord willing, if He allows us to move on to the wonderful world of parenthood, I hope that we will pursue our relationship with Him all the more because of it. May we learn to serve Him, to love Him, and to adapt to everything He gives in Chapter Three, as much as we had to in the ones that came before.