The Shape of Motherhood

For the entirety of my pregnancy and the early days of motherhood, I only ever had one plan on how to feed our twins. No matter how hard, I was determined to blissfully tandem-feed the precious babies until they are chubby, adorable two-year-olds.

I didn’t buy a single bottle, I never canvassed pumps, and I didn’t give formula brands a single glance.

It was an overwhelming and humbling experience when things came crashing down. While one twin had a strong and healthy latch, the other twin struggled to stay attached. Breastmilk jaundice rendered our babies scrawny, yellow, and weak. No amount of supplements could make my body produce more capacity for milk on short notice. Injuries, hormones, and pain abounded in dozens of different ways.

Still, I persisted. I had been so convinced that breastmilk was superior that I considered any other feeding method, be it donor milk or formula, outright wrong. The well-meant but misplaced encouragement of all nurses, friends, and lactation consultants spurred me further down the rabbit hole.

It took a strong and kind husband to remind me that the kids need a healthy, happy mother more than they need 100% breastmilk. Just because we didn’t give them mother’s milk didn’t mean we were feeding them poison.

I learned as quickly as I could: from pumping gear to breastfeed-friendly bottles, to all the ins and outs of mix feeding. It hasn’t been easy, but it’s been rewarding to see the children grow.

I didn’t choose this. I don’t think anyone would choose middle-of-the-night pumping sessions, a constant battle with excruciating clogged milk ducts, or the mounting expenses of mix feeding twins. I don’t even know how long this lifestyle is sustainable. But I have come to learn that there is no shame, only honor, in submitting to my husband and to the Lord.

Just because He’s given us the wonderful gift of children doesn’t mean we get free rein on how we want our lives and their lives to look like. The shape of motherhood, just like the shape of everything else in life, is formed through good stewardship of whatever the Lord has given.

The idea that raising and rearing children is only a matter of determination is a false expectation at best. As with everything, it is a journey of grace, of submission, and of faith.

I don’t know what shape or form the Lord will make for the years ahead. I can only wait to discover His plans one step at a time.

On His Terms

The odds were never good, per se. On paper, these precious babies weren’t expected to ever exist, much less make it to full term. But God had other plans.

From two unlikely embryos grew an unlikely pregnancy. It was riddled with morning sickness, a throbbing myoma, and other related issues. It was, after seven long years, something that had to happen amidst the storm of a global pandemic.

But we trusted the Lord’s guidance, refusing to screen or pick and choose by gender or health as we embarked on this journey. Every life is precious. Every moment counted. We didn’t know how God wanted you write our story, but we were determined to honor Him every step of the way.

 

And when the Lord chose to usher us into parenthood, it was not in any way exactly what we had hoped or prayed for, but it was a testament of how little we control things and how much God does. Because when He chooses to give His children something, He gives on His terms in His time.

 

Dear world, we are beyond grateful to introduce you to our precious one-month-olds Liam and Lizzie. They are Michael and Minela, for Mickey and Minnie, our two miracle year of the rat little babies. They are James and Rey, for Thai Kong Santiago and Thai Ma Rebecca - two dearly departed loved ones who were so instrumental in raising Daddy and establishing our home church (And we get our little Star Trek and Star Wars references to boot!). They are Liam and Eliza, for Fitzwilliam Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet (and Eliza Hamilton!) - the two literary characters from Mommy’s favorite love story: a story of hope, sacrifice, and second chances.

We pray that the Lord will give us wisdom in raising these blessings. May He grant us strength for the hard days ahead and humility as we deal with our shortcomings. May He grant us unconditional love as we get to know our bundles of joy.

 

We are well aware that these adorable children are sinners that we have to disciple, train, and teach. We know there will be many tests ahead of us to measure how well all those years of dreams and theories translate into reality.

As with so many blessings, they are as much for our enjoyment as they are a responsibility. And we pray that we will be faithful stewards for as long as the Lord allows us to be.

 

Thank you, Lord, for our beloved children. May we love them the way You want us to. May Your will, and Your will alone, be done in our lives and in theirs. May every member of our young family strive to live not by our terms, but by Yours.

On the Same Side

It's not an easy time for anyone. The pandemic has thrown our economy, our plans, our schedules, and our expectations into total disarray. Things that used to be easy have become nigh impossible. Things that used to happen rarely have become part of the daily routines of our quarantined life.

And amidst the changing concerns we all face - particularly in the areas of health, finances, and logistics - one of the most spotlighted immediate issues is education.

Should our children go back to school? How can they stay safe if they do? How can they stay educated if they don't? How do we ensure continuous learning while keeping them safe from unnecessary exposure?

Is homeschooling the answer? Are online classes the answer? Does our government and our school even care what happens to our children?

Dozens and dozens of questions flood the minds of parents who are concerned and worried.

And I long to tell you, as someone who has worked in Christian education my entire adult life, whose dearest friends and family members are involved in the frontlines of the academe, that your teachers and administrators are concerned and worried too.

We have to keep a stiff upper lip. We have to be in control. We have to make calls that take into consideration all the different needs of all the different families we encounter.

There are families with financial challenges, as well as families with logistical limitations. There are parents with strong desires to teach but little experience in actual application. There are children stuck in homes that cannot provide the security or resources they need to continue growing academically.

There are teachers to pay. There are parents to inform. There are views to balance.

There are so many considerations to ponder every time an announcement is made, a memo is released, or a policy is established.


And we ask for your prayers.

We are on your side.

We love your children and want the best for your children, and we are stretching ourselves to our personal limits to serve you as effectively as we can.

We didn't get into this line of work for money or fame. God knows there's more infamy and financial insecurity than there is worldly success to be had in education, particularly in the Philippines.

And while I know, and I am sad to know, that there are indeed people who treat the education sector as a money-making opportunity, I can personally vouch for the many Christian administrators I know that many of us are here because we want to help.

They can't confide in you, but I hope they will forgive me for letting you know that each and every one of us needs your prayers now more than ever.

Please pray for us to have wisdom, to have perception, to have patience and endurance. Please pray for extraordinary grace and extraordinary strength. Please pray that we would be able to continue our life mission of educating the next generation through these uncharted waters.

Dearest parents, we're on the same side, and we are all hanging on to our omniscient, omnipotent God to get us safe to shore.

Reaping Dividends

It's an unexpected season, a time of mingled stillness and caution that caught us all off-guard. A one-month quarantine, with perhaps more to come, has forced so many of us to face a complete change in habits, hopes, and lifestyle.

I admit I've had difficulties adjusting as well. There are logistical, emotional, and financial challenges that we all encounter. There are fears, and there are concerns. There are beautiful moments of strength as well as ceaseless reasons for despair. There is anger, and there is hope. There is outcry, assurance, anxiety, and uncertainty left and right.

And through it all, I learn to appreciate several blessings that the Lord has allowed in our lives that I have come to treasure so much more during this quarantine season. These things didn't happen overnight. These things were built upon day by day, through the years. And it is by God's grace alone that we are reaping the benefits of years of prudence.

1. Relationships. I thank God that I live in a home where there is love, respect, and joy, even as I weep for those who do not have this. Years of learning to appreciate each other, of learning to embrace our respective roles in a God-ordained marriage, yield us the fruit of a marriage that is a source of happiness and peace. We hear of couples fighting, of family members who cannot stand to be around each other as the days of quarantine go by. We uplift these people in prayer, and we thank the Lord daily for a blissful marriage where we're actually glad to share so much time and space with each other.

2. Finances. We are not wealthy, in the grand scheme of things. We do not own big corporations or work as executives in high-powered companies. But the Lord has blessed us with enough financial comfort through the years to have saved up for a rainy day. There are many people who do not have this privilege, and we try our best to succor the needs of those whom we can assist, from employees to neighbors to friends. But we are thankful, so very thankful, that the Lord uses our choices in the past to sustain us through potential weeks of financial challenge. 

3. Technology. It sounds funny, almost trivial, but I do thank God every day that I have a husband who has always made sure we are technologically equipped in a changing world. From finding the best phone and Internet plans to investing in quality gadgets for the two of us, his chosen priorities have equipped us to be well-prepared for this time of remote, online living.

4. Home. I love being home, and that is a fact no matter how much I may miss the mall or the spa or the office or church. I thank God that He has used the prudence of the past and the generosity of family to give us a home that is secure, independent, well-situated, and comfortable. It does not feel like a chore to be quarantined at home because we are blessed with a safe and pleasant place to stay.

5. Faith. Above all, I thank God that He has allowed us to know Him in a personal, vibrant way that knows no walls or limitations. We are freed by the Word and not chained to rituals or sacraments for our salvation. We can worship in spirit and in truth no matter where we are. We serve a God who is omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent. And even as we close ourselves off from the rest of the world, we are privileged to keep loving and serving Him in the arena of our private lives.

It's not an ideal time for anyone, but I cannot help but praise the Lord for the ways He does continue to bless!

Chapter Three

"First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage."

Somehow, a juvenile child's rhyme has managed to encapsulate a lifetime of hopes, dreams, and perhaps tears for every generation. It sounds so easy - step one, step two, and step three. Voila! You got yourself a perfect life!

But God doesn't always let things happen that way. Sometimes, He stops us before a certain step, teaching us to reconcile our own visions with what He actually has in store. Sometimes, He lets a season of life linger far longer than we ever expected it to, and we are challenged again and again to thrive where He's placed us, to grow as He wants us to in that particular chapter of life.

After seven years of love and marriage, Tim and I stand at the threshold of a new possibility. Lord willing, we would love to meet the the little ones in my womb, to be given the opportunity to love them and raise them for the Lord.

At the same time, I know this isn't a finish line.

This isn't a man-made "success story" to celebrate or brag about. This isn't "proof" that if you just wait long enough, or want it desperately enough, the Lord will give you what you want.

It's not that. It's not that at all.

Because if the past decade of my life has taught me anything - it's that everything, truly everything, is by His grace alone. And it is entirely up to Him how He wants to write the story He wants us to live out.

It's by His grace that I have a loving husband who seeks to lead our marriage in the way of the Lord. It's by His grace that I have a marriage where we can share our deepest thoughts, hopes, and dreams with each other as we wait for the Lord's will. It's by His grace that we have a church family where we can grow and love and thrive. And it is by His grace alone that we are where we are, waiting to see if He will let us have the chance to raise these miracle babies.

And I know that there is still so, so much more to this story.

I've seen friends who change once they get to complete their nursery rhyme. Suddenly, once love, marriage, and baby carriage fall in line, it just doesn't seem as important to trust or to pray or to keep growing in the Lord anymore. All those things that were blessings in the first place seem to replace the need to seek after the Giver of all things.

I pray, so hard, that we won't be like that.

Because this isn't a finish line.

And, Lord willing, if He allows us to move on to the wonderful world of parenthood, I hope that we will pursue our relationship with Him all the more because of it. May we learn to serve Him, to love Him, and to adapt to everything He gives in Chapter Three, as much as we had to in the ones that came before.

The Gift of Femininity

I turned 31 last year.

And as I grow older, I can't help but look at the older Christian women I admire, to think about what makes them who they are. I want to grow like they do, to be more and more filled with Christian beauty as the years go by.

I also begin to take a back seat to a lot of younger ladies' lives, and I witness how these young women come of age and learn "adulting" in so many different ways.

And as I look at generations after generations of women, I've grown to appreciate a common quality that I know the Lord delights in, and that I believe people delight in, but which is sadly being undermined and repressed in an increasingly social-justice-driven world.

That one quality is femininity.

Being feminine doesn't mean being helpless, or worthless, or ditzy, or dumb. True femininity is not weakness or ignorance. If anything, biblical femininity is an image of strength and wisdom and noble character.

Being feminine means rejoicing in my identity as a woman. It means reveling in the fact that God made me a woman out of His perfect will and sovereign wisdom. Being a woman comes with its unique blessings and unique challenges, and femininity acknowledges and embraces them all.

Femininity comes in all sorts of shapes and sizes. For some people, it means dresses and long hair and high voices and sweet smiles. For others, it means acting in a distinctly womanly way even while defying traditional expectations in the workplace, the sports arena, or the academe. In my husband's words, femininity is that intangible quality where someone just "is a girl." A woman can be wearing jeans and a T-shirt and sport short hair but still be irrefutably female with her presence.

Men are drawn to biblical femininity. But, even more importantly, God is pleased when we ladies, young and old, live out biblical femininity.

Biblical femininity involves kindness, and joy, and gentleness. It involves being equal image-bearers with men while embracing our role as women. It's pruning and growing the fruit of the spirit in every aspect of our being. And as with so many things in life, it involves accepting God's plan and living it out to the fullest.

Time and time again, I see young ladies on a global stage or in my personal circles trying to avoid femininity - thinking of it as a curse rather than a gift. They inevitably encounter frustration. They grow increasingly embittered by their own choices to defy what God has made us women to be.

We as women can intuit, and nurture, and organize like nothing else. We can take charge of the things entrusted us and assist in the things in which we're called to help. Some of us are called to do that in the context of a family - as daughters, as sisters, as mothers, as wives. Some of us are called to do that in entirely different ways.

But I rejoice that we all can welcome the gift of femininity and to allow it to permeate every facet of our lives. We may fulfill that calling differently: in different roles and different outfits and different eras and generations.

But God made us women for a reason, and we get the unique privilege of serving Him best when we embrace the gift of femininity that He has chosen to give to us. To desire anything less is to lose out on the beauty of His promise and His will.